“Rivka, sometimes you are like a child.”

What I used to be ashamed of, I now see as a great compliment.

For me, children are unpretentious and curious, and follow their instincts.
For me, children never stop wondering about things.

I create the world the way I like it - not at all because I don't care about the world.

It's because I've spent so many years trying to be different from who I am - and failed.

What often speaks from such criticism is a longing.

The longing for freedom.
And the frustration that someone is simply taking this freedom.

This longing for freedom has always driven me, too,
and when I think about it, my whole body tingles.

Deep inside me, there was an inkling very early on
that everything was already okay the way I was doing it.

I believe, that when we’re young, we usually know what feels ‘right’.

And we learn to untrust ourselves.

Since my natural perspective on the world so often went against what I was taught,
I was always SO damn afraid that I was wrong the way I was.

And that I just hadn't come to my senses yet.

But “one day it would all come out”…

Do you know this thought?

I didn’t want to fit in, I was bored and annoyed by conformity and monotony around me, in school system, in the professional world, the way I saw people being in relationships with each other - and at the same time I was terrified of failing if I would be myself.

I knew and had heard from several sides, that my life would be easier if I was “different”.
More polite, more professional, less holes in the clothes, better shaved legs, less speaking my mind, more adaptive…

It felt so awful, the attempt to show myself to be different than I am.
It drove me to despair. It still does.

In 2017, I found myself in an existential crisis.

I remember the moment, sitting on the floor, crying, not knowing who I was or if I could ever become happy with just being myself.

I was so desperate, my life felt like shattered glass, and I thought:

’I CAN’T.DO.THIS.ANYMORE.’

I wrote a contract with myself.

No more trying to be something I’m not,
No more being with people who don’t value me,
No more working at places I don’t like,
No more waiting for someone or something to make me happy.

- I decided to start taking responsability.

Having tried out all kinds of self exploration techniques, alcoholism, drugs and meditation techniques,

I discovered life coaching.

And OMG, how much has my life changed since then.

For the most time of my life I was used to feel what’s good for me and then do the opposite,
and for so many years I thought ‘there is just no place for me in this world’ and blamed me for it.

When I remember how I used to feel in the past it’s almost crazy to confess that today I truly love myself, and don’t want to be different anymore. I think I’m really cool and not ashamed to say it.

And I feel so much compassion for myself having tried to sabotage myself for
SO many years of my life.

Since I’m a human, I still have regular moments of insecurity with myself -
”Is this right what I’m doing, am I okay? Do they find me weird again”
But you know what I do, if those thoughts come up?

I’m still nice to myself.

It’s possible.